Ain't No Love
by Bunny MacCool
Summary: BEWARE!RAPHLEOslashiness! It is possible to love and hate someone simultaneously. Even your own brother. It's how far you choose to take that love ... how far you choose to take that hate ... that will determine how fate judges you.
1. Notice Me Need Me

**Title:** Ain't No Love - Chapter 1  
**Universe:** TMNT movie/2003 cartoon... they blend together for me. XD  
**Rating:** R ... for language ... it probably won't ever reach NC-17 (sorry, I'm too skittish about writing that stuff)  
**Genre:** Drama/Angst ... **WARNING!! SLASHY!! TURTLECESTY! DON'T READ IF YOU DON'T LIKE!!**  
**Pairing:** RAPH/LEO (rival-ship of LOVE!)  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own TMNT ... if I did, Leo would bleed more ... and Raph would angst more... ... did I say that out loud? heh ehehe.

**Ain't No Love - 1 **

_This is not a love story ... this ain't no love that's guiding me..._

**_oxoxo _**

After the last candle flared to life in the darkness, he effortlessly centered himself on the practice mat and slipped into lotus. One deep, calming breath and he prepared himself for a couple hours of blissful, SILENT meditation.

Before allowing himself to slip away, however, he took a quick mental check of his environment. Deep breath in. Deep breath out. The gentle snoring of Don with his face nearly plastered to the keyboard of his computer. There was a soft little rattling as his breath skittered over the keys.

Deep breath in. Deep breath out. Happy mumblings and a contented purring as Mikey subconsciously showered Klunk with attention even in his sleep. The sound of a sandpaper lick across green skin, and the baby brother giggled between snores.

Deep breath in. Deep breath out. His father's even, peaceful breathing from his room. Sleeping soundly and radiating contentment. Always happiest with all of his sons surrounding him, and remembrances of his dear Master close at hand.

Deep breath in. Hold. Deep breath out. No sign of Raphael's presence at all. Out on the town again with Casey. Most likely driving too quickly and fighting too recklessly. This brother's actions were becoming more dangerous with each passing temper tantrum he threw.

Leonardo tried to empty his mind to reach the tranquil state he was longing for, but his red-masked sibling's troublesome spirit seemed to latch on to his thoughts like he was physically burrowing his sais into his flesh. He just didn't know what to do about Raph any more. Something was going to burst forth soon, and Leo's greatest fear was that temper accidentally hurting Mikey, or Don.

Not that Raphael would ever _intentionally_ hurt them, but this boiling anger was raging stronger and brighter than ever before. Even Master Splinter seemed at a loss. Leo had caught their sensei many times, recently, watching the moody hothead with a look of resigned expectancy. Like he could foretell Raph's rage spiking and was preparing himself to stop his student. His son.

Leo refused to let it come to that. Ever. His brothers were HIS responsibility. As much as it pained him to think it, their father would not be around forever, and it would ultimately fall to Leonardo to be the head of this ragtag family of mutants. He had to find a way to get Raph under control. Without Master Splinter's help. Without Don or Mikey. Raph's hatred tended to focus around Leo's very existence sometimes. Which was fine. For the best, really. Better that than anyone else.

Don was too gentle, too perfect a soul, to shoulder the burden of taking Raph down a peg. The smartest of Leo's little brothers truly detested violence, and it showed each time his calming voice would sooth Raphael's anger to little bubbles of moodiness.

Mikey looked up to the hothead too much. Which probably did Raph a world of good. He was gentler with the baby brother than most gave him credit for. Of course, between all the skull smackings, it was hard to tell, but Leo could see it in his eyes. Raph really adored Mikey. Could sometimes act like his entire world revolved around the family prankster.

For the oldest brother, however, he only had burning spikes of anger and bitterness, with vicious drops of sarcasm burning through everything like acid. Every time he muttered the phrase "fearless leader", Leonardo could hear the silent "for now" tacked on to the end.

He knew Raph loved him, though. They were all brothers and they all had that strong family bond. Raph was always the first to Leo's side when he needed him. He knew Raphael didn't love him any LESS than Mike or Don … just … differently. It seemed like it had always been that way. He wasn't even sure when it started exactly. When their father made it clear that Leo was to be the leader? Or was it before?

Leo sighed heavily and slumped out of the lotus position. He was never going to achieve full transcendent state with all these doubts hopping around his brain. A movement. He flung himself backwards off the mat, flipping twice in the air and landing gracefully, merely a second before the sai imbedded itself where his leg had been.

Oh joy. Not a good night on the town, then. Sure enough, there was swipe at his legs which he easily avoided, and a punch towards his chest that he merely side-stepped. Clasping his hands behind his shell in a relaxed position, he kept his voice a whisper.

"Bad night, Raphie?"

There was a muted growl in the darkness, then a flurry of punches and kicks that Leo dodged easily, not even unclasping his hands. He sprung into the air and rebounded off one of the columns to flip and land several yards away. His katanas were put away in his room, but he didn't feel the need to retrieve them.

Raphael was on the attack again, punch after punch after punch, but Leo was in a calmer state of mind and had no problems deflecting them. He never once tried to strike back. His little brother just needed to blow off some steam, and that's what he was here for, wasn't it?

Raph finally growled in his gravelly tone. Not loud enough to wake anyone, however.

"Dammit, keep still so I can hit you."

Leo chuckled softly and back flipped away a couple times to get some space.

"Lover's quarrel with Casey, Raphie?"

Another growl and Raph was in his face. The unbridled rage was there in his eyes and Leo dropped his light tone. Definitely a bad night, and he needed to start taking his brother seriously, or one of them was going to get hurt.

"Stop calling me Raphie, you prudey little bitch."

Okay. _Really_ bad night and _really_ pissed off Raph. Leo sighed and finally threw himself full force into the fight. Amazingly, they managed to keep it fairly quiet, and he could still hear their father's soft snores. Distracted for a second and Raph got a painful jab into his gut.

Leo flipped away, but forgot about the candles, and the displacement of air his landing created knocked one over. The flame licked at the mat like it could hardly wait to burn it.

"Crap!"

He dropped to a knee and quickly snuffed the small flame. Honor should have dictated his 'sparring' partner wait for him, but suddenly there was an elbow pummeling into his back and all the air in his lungs wheezed swiftly out of his body.

Leo dropped fully the ground, keeping presence of mind to roll onto his shell and attempt to bring a kick to his brother's face, but Raph was already there. A hard 'whump' and his younger, but BIGGER, brother was straddling his chest and pinning his arms to his sides in the process.

Raph laughed darkly, then darted one hand down to grab Leo's straining neck. Quick motion and he'd slammed his older brother's head back against the hard mat. Lights danced in Leo's vision for a moment. When he focused again, his gaze sought his brother's. Raphael was still gripping his neck, breathing deeply and chuckling under his breath.

"See, Leo? I can beat you. I can _always_ beat you."

Leonardo strained to sit up and knock his sibling off of him, but Raph was steadfast and solid.

"Raph-?"

A painful squeeze and his words were cut off. Leo felt his eyes widen almost comically. Raphael's gaze was dark and intense and he couldn't find any of his brother in it at all. Then, his assailant starting mumbling in hushed tones, never once softening his hold on Leo's throat.

"You think you're so great. You think you're so perfect. Well, look at you now, huh, Leo? Huh, fearless leader? You're alone, you're helpless, and you can't do a _thing_."

As he spoke his grip tightened and hardened and suddenly Leo became painfully aware that he couldn't suck in a breath at all. He struggled beneath the weight of his brother, but the hand just squeezed tighter and tighter, and the bright little pinpricks of light were back, dancing like fairies in his sight.

He started kicking his legs with all his might. He knew Raph had a temper, but he'd never imagined it would go this far. Finally, _finally_ a couple hard knee thrusts to the back of his shell and Raphael seemed to snap into himself.

He blinked his eyes a couple times behind the red mask, then released Leo's throat like it was burning his hand. Leo sucked in a ragged gasp of air, but kept it quiet. He looked into Raph's eyes again and fought to regain his normal breathing pattern.

For his part, Raphael was staring at his hand like it was an alien creature. He'd shift his gaze down to Leo, and then back at his hand. Honestly, he looked a little shell-shocked. Leo didn't even make an attempt to move, he just observed. Finally, Raphael stood, still staring at his hand, and slowly made his way off the mat. He stopped once to glance back at Leo, a look of utter confusion on his face, then quickly disappeared into the darkness.

Leo waited until he heard him go into his room. Waited until he could hear Mikey's warm mumbles and Don's soft snoring and his father's deep breaths. Waited until he was absolutely sure the lair was at peace, before he rolled over onto is stomach, flattened his face against the mat … and lost it.

_**oxoxo **_

tbc...

Thanks for reading!


	2. Free Me Save Me

**Title:** Ain't No Love - Chapter 2  
**Universe:** TMNT movie/2003 cartoon... they blend together for me. XD  
**Rating:** R ... for language ... it probably won't ever reach NC-17 (sorry, I'm too skittish about writing that stuff)  
**Genre:** Drama/Angst ... **WARNING!! SLASHY!! TURTLECESTY! DON'T READ IF YOU DON'T LIKE!!**  
**Pairing:** RAPH/LEO (rival-ship of LOVE!)  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own TMNT ... if I did, Leo would bleed more ... and Raph would angst more... ... did I say that out loud? heh ehehe.

_This is not a love story ... this ain't no love that's guiding me..._

**_oxoxo _**

Raphael backed into the shadows of his room for moment, held his breath and waited. Waited for Leo to stop paying attention to the sounds of their home. After a few seconds of stillness he could hear the other teen move on the mat. Raph slowly inched his way out of his doorway to look down into the main room.

Leo was, for all intents and purposes, emitting muffled, frustrated screams into the mat. Raph raised his hand to his face once more. What in the hell had just happened here? For a second, for a single split second, he'd wondered what would happen if he'd just kept squeezing.

Shocked at his own thoughts, he silently backpedaled into his room and sagged back into his hammock.

"What did I do? What did I do?"

His traitorous hands wouldn't respond so he dropped them into his lap and stared at the ceiling instead. It had been a crappy night, sure … but nothing more so than normal. All he knew was that when he walked into the lair and saw perfect little Leo meditating, something had snapped.

Perfect little Leo, who everyone loved. Who everyone looked up to. Who would one day be the head of the family.

He'd seen him sitting there and this festering, bubbling rage had just swallowed him up. Flowed over his head like he'd been drowning in a rushing river. Consumed and hardened and demanded … until the next thing he knew, he'd already thrown the sai and was in Leo's face with a volley of punches.

It had happened so quickly. He was blind to Leo's smile. Mute to his conversation. But he wasn't deaf to his words … and they had only fueled the fire within him. Then all of a sudden, Leo was down … he was pinning him … and his hand had shot to the muscled neck of his own brother.

Leo's eyes had been shocked, unsure and … almost defeated. Raphael's hands clenched into fists. He'd beaten him. He'd actually had the upper hand, and this sense of power and justification and …. Joy … had washed over him.

All while he was choking the life out of his brother.

He smacked himself on the forehead. This was too unreal. This was too insane. Leo was his big bro. He loved Leo. Respected him. Admired him sometimes … though he would never admit that to anyone. He was pretty sure Master Splinter knew, though.

There was no way he would ever want Leo dead. No way.

He couldn't deny, though, that seeing his brother momentarily helpless beneath him was a heady experience. Hopefully only to be experienced this ONE time.

**_oxoxo _**

tbc...

Sorry so short, next chapter will be longer!!


	3. Haunt Me Hunt Me

**Title:** Ain't No Love - Chapter 3  
**Universe:** TMNT movie/2003 cartoon... they blend together for me. XD  
**Rating:** R ... for language ... it probably won't ever reach NC-17 (sorry, I'm too skittish about writing that stuff)  
**Genre:** Drama/Angst ... **WARNING!! SLASHY!! TURTLECESTY! DON'T READ IF YOU DON'T LIKE!!**  
**Pairing:** RAPH/LEO (rival-ship of LOVE!)  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own TMNT ... if I did, Leo would bleed more ... and Raph would angst more... ... did I say that out loud? heh ehehe.

_This is not a love story ... this ain't no love that's guiding me..._

**_oxoxo_**

He sat at the small table in the kitchen and allowed his gaze to unfocus into the depths of his mug. The tea steamed and rippled, still too hot to drink, but he had a feeling he wouldn't be partaking in it anyway. His throat burned as if on fire, and he'd been nearly sick when he'd seen the massive bruise spanning the width of his neck in the mirror that morning.

Luckily, the bruise wasn't quite turtle-hand shaped, or he was pretty sure there would be an uproar when the rest of his family rose for the day. He glanced around the still darkened lair, moving to cup the warm mug with his slightly chilled hands.

The events of the night previous were having tumultuous effects on his world outlook currently. He hadn't slept a wink. Only sprawled across the mat until he had himself under control, then risen to wander to the bathroom, finally coming to take his current position.

He'd spent the night going over the fight again and again in his mind. Why would Raphael do such a thing? Did he … did he really hate him that much? Enough to kill him? He didn't think so … and there had been a look of shock to his brother's own eyes that bespoke of his own disbelief at the situation.

Really, he could only blame the fiery temper. He'd known his brother's anger had been vicious lately, had been reflecting on that very fact right before the fight, hadn't he? So, something had just set him off. Not unlike the time with Mikey and the sparring session that had gotten out of hand.

Raphael just couldn't control it. Leonardo returned his gaze to the quickly cooling tea in his hands. So what could he do to help his little brother? There had to be something. Some way to assist Raphael in his struggle to stay level-headed.

The soft, whispering sounds of life began to make their way to him from the individual rooms of his family. He quickly brought his hands to his eyes and tried to rub a little life into them. Undoubtedly, he looked like hell, and would suffer for his sleeplessness when it came time to train.

A soft electric hum and a wash of blue light from his room, and he knew Donny was awake. His listened to his calmest brother tinker around for a few moments, and then followed the soft padding sounds of footsteps towards his back.

Donny yawned as he passed to his left to open the fridge.

"Morning, Leo."

Leo turned toward his brother and allowed a small quirk to his lips. He could make out the impression of a keyboard slightly darkening the olive skin on the side of Don's face.

"Morning."

His eyes widened as he watched Donny freeze and turn toward him. His voice had sounded HORRIBLE. Muted and scratchy and altogether unnatural. His brother's gaze immediately shot to his throat and he nearly dropped the juice he'd only just pulled out of the fridge.

"Leo! What happened!?"

Leonardo grimaced. All the night spent pondering, and he never bothered to think up an excuse. Guess he better stick to the basic, if somewhat understated, truth.

"Sparred with Raph a little last night."

Don's gaze was instantly skeptical.

"Leo … it's your NECK."

He opened his mouth to retort something, but a deeper voice behind him instantly fried away any comment he might have made.

"Yeah, that was my bad. Leo was distracted when he knocked over a candle and I couldn't pull back my kick in time."

Raphael sauntered into the kitchen and shoved Donatello to the side a little to grab the milk from the fridge. Leo couldn't help but track his brother's every moment, but he endeavored not to show any emotion in his face.

Luck was with him however, and Donatello merely accepted the excuse and sighed heavily.

"Honestly, you two. It's a wonder you didn't wake us up."

Leo tried to smile, but it felt unnatural on his lips. Raphael hadn't looked at him once, and he was waiting to see if this brother would even REACT to the bruise on his neck. However, his attention was swayed as Donny continued talking. He was never one to ignore his little brothers.

"Actually, I have a theory on that you know."

Raphael chuckled darkly as he rummaged through the cabinets, getting his morning cereal ready.

"Oh ya, brainiac? And what's that, then?"

Don smiled and sipped at his juice.

"Well, I think … subconsciously … we honestly just tune the two of you out when you fight."

Raph snorted, but it didn't silence his purple-clad sibling.

"No, really … think about it. Any other sound of a fight in our home and we would have come running, right? But I think we've trained ourselves to recognize who the combatants are, and assess the situation as not being dangerous… so we allow ourselves to continue sleeping. Really, it happens so often, why should the rest of us loose sleep over it? It's not like you're going to kill each other."

Leo felt and HEARD his knuckles crack around the mug in his hands. For a second he feared the porcelain would shatter under the pressure, but he managed to relax his hands in time. He glanced up and realized no one had noticed his reaction. Thankfully.

Donny was happily fiddling with something he'd brought from his room, and Raphael was on his second bowl of cereal. Leo glanced down at his cold tea and grimaced. Such a waste. When he raised his gaze, he was shocked to meet Raphael's eyes. There was no anger … or even triumph, in his younger brother's stare.

He just seemed … calm. Leo blinked and Raph gave him a broad smile.

"Dang, Fearless … I got you pretty good, didn't I? That thing's not gonna fade for days."

Leo nearly choked on his own tongue. If there was a certain reaction he was expecting … it certainly wasn't this. Raphael was acting as if nothing untoward had taken place the night before. Like he hadn't tried to KILL him, followed by the pair of them nearly having miniature breakdowns.

He couldn't answer. He couldn't even speak. In a daze, he realized that his two brothers' were discussing the bruise and the best course for treating it. He suddenly felt very detached from his own body. He hadn't reacted incorrectly, had he? Hadn't imagined the events of last night to be worse than they actually were?

Truthfully, he was at a loss.

There was a blur of color and noise that announced the baby brother's arrival in the kitchen. As always, all attention swiveled to the youngest of the four. It was a necessity. If not, things were likely to get broken. Leo took the opportunity to quickly and soundlessly steal away to the dojo. Hopefully there he would find some measure of peace.

**_oxoxo_**

tbc…


End file.
